


Porcelain Smile

by Ghostietea



Category: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Dissociation, F/F, Pre-Canon, The bitter inner musings of a centuries old witch that's also a 14 year old, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, references to canon typical violence and abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:27:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25920559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghostietea/pseuds/Ghostietea
Summary: The lead-up to the beginning of the end as told by the rose witch
Relationships: Himemiya Anthy/Tenjou Utena
Comments: 3
Kudos: 25





	Porcelain Smile

One of the last things Anthy Himemiya remembers truly  _ feeling _ is the blades. Metal as cold and harsh as ice plunging into her body with the burning fury of a thousand suns. And then came the pain. Pain more than all the words she knew could explain. To Anthy, the event itself is now a hazy, half remembered blur, but the pain left a stain on her soul that can't ever truly leave. But that was hundreds of years ago. Or maybe only a few years back. Whatever. It didn't matter if she's suffered a few years or a thousand, that wouldn't change anything.

But that is the past, and the Anthy of now is the rose bride. And a rose bride is not supposed to feel. So the Anthy of now is a doll. She thinks she's rather good at it. To be the rose bride is to smile, look pretty, and be whatever her fiance of the week wanted; it's a role Anthy has been playing for so long she can feed them the lines in her sleep. And that's pretty much what she does. She's not sleeping, but she might as well be. 

It's funny, how she can walk and talk and still be so completely  _ not there. _ Anthy is almost always off somewhere in her head, with only the vaguest conciousness of her surroundings or even her self. She just feels numb. And cold, like those metal blades still reside in her chest. But at least it doesn't hurt. 

Anthy cannot remember most anything that happens. It feels like a dream, blurry and missing parts. She couldn't tell you what day it is, what month, what  _ year.  _ Even the flocks of duelists that come seeking her don't stick. Even when she's not being the bride she catches herself slipping away, far, far away. It's become second nature, even if some tiny corner of her brain tells her that that's not good. But the  _ not being _ protected her. She supposed that's how it started, numbing from the pain she didn't have the power to stop. Everything hurt her. The stabbing, the crowds, her brother, even just having to  _ see _ the duelist swords in all their cruel beauty. If she didn't distance herself she'd be broken apart.

The duelists don't know Anthy, so they don't even know that the one they're facing is a projection. Some of them think they can break her, slap her, make her  _ bleed.  _ Saionji sure does.  _ How quaint.  _ What they're hurting is only a doll, a fake. The real Anthy Himemiya is far from their grasp. Or maybe she died long ago. Maybe she never existed. Anthy is not sure she knows anymore __

Even though Anthy is near numb to pain, she still knows she's miserable. But she stays, because the outside scares her. At least Ohtori is familiar. She was a witch after all, she didn't belong on the outside anyways, she wasn't sure she remembered what it was like. The funny thing was, she didn't remember  _ why _ she was a witch either, she just was. It was as simple as that. She could not be their perfect, pure princess, so she had to be a witch. There was no in between, no choice. But she sure as hell was going to play her part to the fullest.

_ A witch.  _ There was power in those words.

Cruelty was the one thing she had agency in, and she  _ relished  _ it. And the thing was, the duelists didn't even know that she was the cat and they were the mouse. Saionji was her current fiance, a pathetic and cruel boy always chasing the shadows of his betters, he was rather easy to mess with. It was almost boring. But today there was a duel.

Today things could change.

Saionji lead her to the arena, curling green hair flowing behind him. It looks like seaweed.  _ Ugly.  _ Anthy followed robotically, dull eyes turned to the ground as she plasters on a fake smile. 

It seems it's time for another round of the game, for a winner to be chosen. Of course, there will never truly be any winner to this game. Not even her brother. Anthy feels a bit mollified at this. They can fight eachother into the ground but in the end there will be nothing but emptiness waiting for them. The witch of Ohtori will just stand back and smile. At least she's smart enough to realize the futility of it all. 

She pitties them as much as she hates them. The duelists. All those pretty little boys and prettier little girls who think they can own her. They're nothing but stupid children playing adult's games. Interestingly, there's a new duelist today, a new fool for the menagerie.

Saionji's opponent is a pink haired girl in a masculine uniform. Anthy is sure she'll forget her by morning.

For Anthy, the fight is over in a flash. Always is if you're never truly watching. Pink hair has won. Now was time for her cue.

Anthy was careful in her interaction, positioning herself to suit the new victor. She was pretty and she knew it, in some detached, uncaring way. She wanted to make sure the girl knew it too.  _ Pretty and helpless and docile, desirable traits,  _ Anthy thought bitterly.  _ Look at me, so small, so helpless. You can protect me, feel like a hero. You'd like that. _

The next day passed in a blur. She moved in, learned the victor's name (Utena), all the parts of her routine that she was so used to by now. There was just one small problem, it was inescapable that, no matter how foolish, this  _ Utena _ was a brashly and openly good hearted person.

The good ones got to her the most. 

It was night now, soft and quiet and comfortable. The dorm room was painted in cool blue light from the window, and Anthy could see Utena asleep on her bunk from were she stood by the window. She couldn't sleep, wouldn't, night was her chance to think without the scorching daylight and all the infernal bustle it would bring. Utena was on her thoughts, of course, she was Anthy's new fiance after all, and Anthy was still unsure how it all would pan out. With every new victor came the question of just what their relationship would be.

Some part of Anthy wanted to fall into her arms and let this girl kiss her until her lips were numb and tingly. To make Utena love her. Maybe she'd find power in that. But some part of her told her  _ no. Dont do that. if you get to close…  _

Anthy knew what she really liked and she knew well enough to shut her mouth and keep it buried. They were all pawns, and any affection from her was just meaningless plays in the game, it didn't matter if she thought they were attractive or not. Anthy didn't think she could love them anyways.

And yet, Anthy got a strange feeling as she stared into the sleep soft face before her. Like the feeling of anticipation when a lightning storm is about to hit.  _ Like something's about to happen. Something is different that I can't put into words. _

I-  _ Anthy _ pushes the feeling down though. _ A new round of the game has begun, nothing but another go-round in an endless cycle. This one with be no different. _

Anthy Himemiya smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> I appreciate all comments and kudos! If you want to talk to me I'm @ ghostietea on Tumblr and Twitter.


End file.
